Style Invitational Week 1393: Another go at anagrams (O groan at a rash magnet?) Describe anagram businesses from Week 1388; plus winning TankaWanka on the news Image without a caption (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers July 16, 2020 at 9:44 a.m. EDT Add to list (Click here to skip down to the winning TankaWanka poems on news events) Last week the Empress ran the totally nifty results for names of businesses or products that contained anagrams: The letters in the first half of the name were scrambled to make the second half. Like DIET TIDE. Or CHARGE MUCH MEGACHURCH. Or the winner, “ALIENS/MY ANUS” INSANE ASYLUM. (If you missed last week’s, check them out at wapo.st/invite1392.) The contest also asked for descriptions of those businesses, and among the 1,500 entries were dozens of ingenious anagrams, some sent by several people, whose descriptions didn’t quite do them justice. So let’s see what the Loser Crowd Mind can come up with. This week: Describe any of the anagram businesses listed at the bottom of this page, or offer its slogan. AD Submit up to 25 entries total at wapo.st/enter-invite-1393 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, July 27; results will appear Aug. 16 in print, Aug. 13 online. How to format your entries so that the Empress will be filled with love for you: Please start each entry with the anagram as it’s spelled below (not with a number or some little dingbat), followed by your description on the same line. That way the E can sort all the Cruelty Cutlery jokes from the Happiest Epitaphs. Winner gets the Lose Cannon, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives two packaged bottles of Flower of Story eau de toilette spray. From what we gather from Google the Omniscient, Flower of Story (presumably a translation bungle from the Chinese elsewhere on the box) comes in various fragrances such as Happy Flowers and Sea Breeze. This one is Flying Pig. We didn’t open it, so you’ll have to let us know what it smells like after you “win” it. Donated by Loser Barbara Turner. AD Other runners-up win their choice of our “For Best Results, Pour Into Top End” Loser Mug or our “Whole Fools” Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our new lusted-after Loser magnets, “No ’Bility” or “Punderachiever.” First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline “Snark Tanka” is by Tom Witte; Beverley Sharp wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; “like” the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday. The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/conv1393. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . Snark tanka: Poems on the news from Week 1389 Week 1389 was our fourth contest for the form we call TankaWanka, our spin on the venerable Japanese tanka: five lines, 5-7-5-7-7 syllables, but also two lines have to rhyme and it has to be about something in the news. AD ADVERTISING Holy moly! So many of the entries were screedy: so bitter or despairing that their wit or humor was left panting on the floor. Here are the more robust ones. Loser Sam Mertens even wrote a TankaWanka about the struggle; though it’s not exactly “about the news,” I’m giving it ink anyway, near the end of today’s results. 4th place: Baltimore ex-mayor Pugh imprisoned after selling her self-published children’s books to nonprofits Failure to disclose — Off to Aliceville she goes. Healthy Holly’s through. Pressing jumpsuits, one by one, She’ll learn “Exercise is Fun.” (George Thompson, Springfield, Va.) 3rd place: The public weighs in at the Palm Beach County Commissioners’ meeting Masks are “Devil’s law”! Antifa! Sex slave! Bondage! Claims I find puzzling. Still let’s find a compromise: Instead of masks, have muzzling. (Wendy Shang, Falls Church, Va.) 2nd place and the Poo-Dough ‘craft’ set: Rep. Nunes loses legal battle over ‘Devin Nunes’ Cow’ Twitter account Lies! Defamation! Social media spreading cruel, false parodies. Devin Nunes wants to sue; The defendant answers, “Moo.” (Hannah Seidel Alexandria, Va.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: Bolton's book claims Trump applauded Xi's roundup of Uighurs Dear President Xi, Those "camps" that you are building? They make sense to me! To unify your nation Will take great concentration. — D.J.T. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) HunkaJunka: Honorable mentions Disappointing turnout at Trump’s Tulsa rally They promised large crowds! Tulsa would burst at the seams! . . . Sixty-two hundred? That number is shambolic, Passed now by Trump’s systolic. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.) AD Poor Tulsa turnout Embarrassing and hurtful To the president Surely MSNBC Will show only empathy (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) Her name is Karen. She’ll speak to your manager, and you’ll be sorry that you didn’t know how to say “please” to her cockapoo. (Brett Dimaio, Cumberland, Md.) Trump waves a Bible in front of St. John’s Church after protesters were forced out of area Mr. President, Will you lead a reading from Two Corinthians? Or is that book just a prop For your thuggish photo op? (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) Chuck E. Cheese parent company files for bankruptcy The covid virus and all of its microbe friends face a harder road: Chuck E. Cheese has helped a lot, Bankrupt: Kids will share less snot. (Hannah Seidel) Trump threatens CNN because it reported unfavorable poll results Biden up 14? “Retract your poll, CNN, Or I’m gonna sue!” He can’t distinguish polling From his fave pastime, trolling. (Duncan Stevens) AD That black lives matter Just seems so intuitive. Treat us all the same When you make your traffic stops . . . Oops – nobody told the cops. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) Books about racism fill bestseller lists It’s become trendy To read Ibram X. Kendi. Book clubs are meeting, “Anti-racist” drums beating — But will the sound be fleeting? (Mark Raffman) In these [word here] times . . . “Unusual,” “difficult,” “Challenging,” “crazy,” “Extraordinary,” “tough” . . . Adjectives? I’ve had enough. (Mark Raffman) I aim for humor About things in today’s news But time after time I write a screed or lament — There’s too much bad stuff; I’m spent. (Sam Mertens) Online symptom checkers are often inaccurate, study says I list my symptoms: Incessant head-scratching and Feverish typing. The online diagnosis: “Needs ink — in larger doses.” (George Thompson) AD Still running — deadline Monday night, July 20: Our contest for captions of Bob Staake cartoons. See wapo.st/invite1392. DON’T MISS AN INVITE! 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The non-inking anagram businesses to use in Week 1393: Am Aghast MAGA Hats Anal Gas Lasagna Asset Decline Delicatessen Atrophied Aphrodite Auctioned Education “Be Sharp, Bro” Barbershop Blaring Lard Bar and Grill “Can’t Act on Us” Accountants Cheapo Arty Apothecary Credit Naggers Greeting Cards Crooner Coroner Cruelty Cutlery Danger Garden Dead-or-Not Deodorant Do-Not-Dare Deodorant Decimal Medical Emu Brains Submarine Evil Stone Novelties Face Cafe Grub Masher Hamburgers Happiest Epitaphs AD Her Foul Amen Funeral Home Hip One iPhone “I Bleed Humor” Home Builder I’m-a-Stud Stadium Ill Strides Distillers Insatiable Banalities Irate Face Cafeteria Larcenist Clarinets Liberal Braille Master Puker Supermarket Monster Mentors My Amusing Gymnasium Nice Chefs Ruin French Cuisine One Ratty Attorney Order Guts Drugstore “Paint Bull Crap for Me” Republican Platform Pedant Term Department Plasmoid Diplomas Pudgier Raccoon Organic Produce Real Idiot Editorial Rich Mattresses Christmas Trees “Slime Our Arrogance” Marriage Counselor Smart Shape Hamster Spa Supersonic Percussion Sweaty Anal Tort Attorneys at Law Tartan User Restaurant Tech Lover Chevrolet Thousand Handouts Very Idle Delivery Western Wonk News Network